Something is wrong. I can't quite put my finger on what it is but I feel that my world is out of tilt. It's the first day of my vacation. I, the queen of unfinished lists, am diligently following the lists I made for myself earlier this week, packing, cleaning, last minute errands for the car and the roommate, bill paying. I'm heading up north to be with my best friend while she nests for and births her first child. She was there for me during mine. I wouldn't want to be any place else actually.
I'm listening to Florence + the Machine, such heart wrenching music. That may be what is contributing to this inkling I have. I wrote a blog back in July about JK and being so proud to be done with him and yet here I find myself drawn back into his orbit, AGAIN! Do you know how angry I am at myself for this slip up? Like a stupid moth to a dangerous flame I flit around him knowing I am eventually going to get burned, maybe not this week, or month, but soon. Soon I will find myself crying, wondering why I subjected myself to heartbreak again. What am I doing? Why am I able to so easily see what others should be doing with their lives but I can't see what I need to do with mine?
I think the Santa Anna winds are sweeping in. Its 7 am and 60*. I love southern California's inability to follow proper weather trends. It certainly makes for adventurous living.
I really want to pack up and leave today. Just be away. Forget the bills, the errands, the laundry and cleaning and just go. I am turning 29 in 5 days. All of a sudden a deep seated dread has filled me about this particular birthday. Good Lord I think I am going to have a panic attack. What the hell is wrong with me?
