love

I have been in love, the romantic kind, with 4 men in my adult life.
My definition of love, is at any given moment had any of these 4 men asked me to abandon my life to be their wife and mother their children, I would have. Even if it meant doing it in a hut in africa.
First there was bl. And then ng. Both of them were my best friends. Strictly plutonic but out of that grew a love that put a sleeper hold on me. Both of the friendships ended abruptly and painfully. Both my fault.
Then after some time I felt the familiar tug again. With another man that was my best friend, cb. Unfortunately I discovered my affections while he was in another country and I was pregnant with another mans child. That ended our friendship. At least for a long while. I think if I were to be honest with myself, that was the love that was the deepest. It built the longest and was one of the most painful experiences of my life to hear that he didn't remotely share my feelings.
Recuperating from these three men took a hell of a lot of time. More than it should have. I felt like I could never close out the chapters in my life where they were present. It didn't seem fair that they didn't love me the way I did them. Whatever happened to fairytale endings? What happened to that moment of truth when the man looks at his girl and realizes she is the only one for him? These guys were all genuinely good guys. Strong, stable, humorous, and kind. Everything a girl could want. So why didn't they love me? That was a rhetorical question.
Well I did say I've been in love 4 times and I've only covered three. So let's go with good ole #4. JB. Love at first sight. First deep conversation. First kiss. First silent moment. First everything. He was my soulmate. I was convinced! When I told him how I was beginning to feel he didn't run away! It was a break through. A miracle. A real relationship with a man who I loved. And couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life pleasing.
There were plenty of big red flags but I did a fantastic job of looking past all of them. Like when he was away on business and wouldn't respond to my calls, texts, emails, letters or care packages. And when I did finally hear from him there was no mention of the packages or letters. No apologies for not maintaining contact. How could I not see the red flag there? How? I was so blind with love for this man. My prince on a harly.
Once he returned from his business trip the first few weeks were bliss. I received his full attention. Most of the time. There would be 2 or 3 days where he wouldn't return my texts or calls. And hey. That's okay right? Because I was going to marry him. What was 2 days without contact right?
Christmas day came. Because of my family's no gifts rules I knew the only gift I would be receiving that year would be from him and boy was I excited. My first holiday with a boyfriend. I got something from him alright. I got a break up text. Right as I got to my parents house for the festivities. What a great gift that was. Was there an explanation? No. Merry effing christmas.
Do you know how hard it is to have the first christmas of your adult life when you don't receive one gift? Without getting one single thing to open with suprise on your face? Its as though christmas suddenly became just like every other day in your life. Cold and lonely.
Its march now. And I thought I pretty much had the chapter entitled jb wrapped up. And as I scrolled through text msgs I had saved, deleting any I didn't need anymore I found one from him. All it said was 'love you too.'
Being the sap that I am, whenever my scabs are ripped off an emotional wound I add a little salt. Maybe its a self loathing thing, I don't know. But I went to his facebook page. Maybe I wanted to see if he had gained weight or lost an arm. You know, something to make me feel marginally better.but no. I found out that He's been in a relationship since december 27th. That was all the salt I needed to put me over the edge. Its finalized now. The chapter is officially closed. The box of his things in my closet has to go. In fact I think I should move. Maybe to a place with less memories.
I cried buckets this morning. Notjust for him and not just for how little I have accomplished since becoming an adult 9 years ago but for how warped of a person I have become. How messed up my life is and how when asked about my life how I come up empty handed.
Since I turned 16 I have been looking for someone to love me. Unconditionally. And my life has narrowed down to that tunnel vision. Where every guy I see or meet is sized up for potential partnership. I really don't want to be that girl. I used to be proud that I was single and happy. When was the last time I claimed that to be so? Definitly not in the last 5 years.
I think its natural to start tunnel vision with marriage when all the people around you are getting married. You feel like you haven't passed that milestone yet so what have you accomplished really?
I didn't finish college. I have no plans to promote within my job. I have two hobbies. Photography and painting. Neither of which I am good at and neither of which is a group activity. So in 5 years I went from a social butterfly to a crotchety hermit. Awesome.
I got off track somewhere, this was supposed to be about my loves. Sorry I usually only start writing a new blog when something big has happened in my life to make me re-evaluate things.
I can't just blog about every day things. I have to bare a little soul, put my heart on the table for the masses to see or I am not doing any good. This blog was meant to be a creative outlet and it turned into a pitiful commentary on a downtrodden life.
I told myself I would change in 2010. Well here's my chance to make something of myself. If I don't who will remember me when I am gone?