Undecided

"Relationships are funny things." I've been pondering those 4 words for the last hour as I drove around town looking for something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I realized, about 15 minutes ago that the thing I needed at the moment was to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper. To get all this out. and I desperately  wanted my post to start with, relationships are funny things. Here's why.
We develop a relationship with everyone we come in contact with. From the basic mother/father or parental figure relationship when we are young, to our classmates as we get older then finally, after break ups, and make ups with several different people, we find the one relationship, outside of family, that we hopes will last us to eternity.  The person we see ourselves gray-haired with, sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, till one of us dies. Realistically most people go through several true loves, or soul mates, before finding the right one. Getting wiser with each  lesson learned, and really, learning about ourselves in the process.
More basic than that is the relationships we start with people we see every day. For me that is the three Subway sandwich artists that know my order by heart. The girl who sold me popcorn at the movies last week. The guy who gave me my last piercing. The dashing fellow that sold me my new car and so on...
It takes some basic skills to cultivate those new relationships into friendships that can last for over 5 minutes. It takes finesse to make them last 5 years, and somewhere in there, the in-between the first meeting and the final, you learn more about yourself. Yes you learn about the other person, that is just part of being a good friend, but you also see yourself in a new light. Perhaps you see yourself as more attractive, or less. Perhaps smarter ... or less. Perhaps desirable, worthy, or loved. That is what a carefully tended relationship can garner. More you.
I greatly enjoy making new connections with strangers. They are simply friends I have yet to discover. I find myself at the pique of my greatness when I am greeting a new stranger. I am more witty than usual. I feel like my attitude sparkles under my skin and through my eyes. Strangers bring out some very cool qualities in me. With a stranger, I find myself re-inventing ...for lack of a better word, myself.
So often a brand new relationship is never cultivated. Sometimes because you have no desire to cultivate it, or the other person has no desire to cultivate it or it simply may be that you don't feel you have the time to give it.
The worst relationships are the ones that end. Whether its 5 months after you met the person or 5 years, it's devastating to put so much effort into knowing another person to have it fall apart a the seams.
I feel like my life's chapters are similar to an onion sometimes. The way you peel off several skins till you get to the pristine white onion. You keep the remainder of the layers together but the ones that are peeled off, the damaged layers, are thrown away. Sometimes that can be a lot of layers. Each person in my life a layer of me. If I keep a layer with mold on it sooner or later the mold will overtake the entire onion. Just the same way, negative relationships can hinder a person from growing.
I'm batting all this around in my head right now because I find myself ending several relationships in the hopes that if I clean the "mold" out of my life I might be able to make a path for that final relationship to finally enter my life. It's funny how much I try to push love. I am so anxious for it to find me that I thrust it upon people in the hopes that their eyes might be opened and I might just be the one they've been looking for. I try to tamp my anxiousness down.  I try to lock it up in my heart but it tends to seep out, and I appear, at least to myself, as desperate.
I'm not quite sure where I was going with this. Like I said, I just needed to get this onto paper. To sort out my feelings and thoughts.