Conscious

So, the man in my life is gone. For good this time. At first I felt let down. Deflated. Like the colors in my life had gone dull. For a long time I've been asking him to make a decision because I knew I was incapable of ending things and I desperately needed him to do it if that is what he wanted. (Although that isn't what I wanted.) I wanted him to show up at my house, sweep me into my arms and tell me that I am all the woman he will ever need. Let me ease your suspense now, that didn't happen. It ended with 4 words. We will never be. Granted it's what I needed to hear to pull myself out of his life orbit but it stung.
I hate rejection and I felt like I really needed to make some sense of what I might have learned from this. I dug a clean notebook out of the garage and sat down with a few questions I wanted to answer. Let me preface this by saying I live an unexplored existence. I have routines that I follow on autopilot everyday. For instance, I eat the same food everyday. I go to the same Starbucks for coffee. When I want dinner at 2 am I always end up at Denny's on Main. I know that these are preferences and almost everyone would say that  preferences aren't a bad thing but the way I see it is I never move out of my comfort zone. I don't, for lack of a better word, explore all the wild and amazing things the world is waiting to show me. In order to try and shift my life into something worthy of living, I decided I would start being conscious. I would make conscious decisions. I would ask myself, before almost everything, is this what I want to do? For example, Am I going to be mad tomorrow when I wake up and know that I didn't workout today? Yes. So I will consciously go put on my trainers and get on the elliptical. Am I going to suck all the food off my plate without tasting it (and breaking that question down even more, after each bite did I taste that food? Am I still hungry? )? Do I want to go to the same place I always do to take pictures or can I explore a road I've never been on and see what it has to offer? Am I going to sleep my entire day off ? This all sounds like routine based questions but to me, I do EVERYTHING on autopilot, even my routines and that fact is going to turn me into a lethargic obese middle aged woman before I turn around twice. I can't control my love life. I CAN control the rest of  my life and it's high time I woke up.

I'm planning on changing that to TODAY.